You're dreaming of the corpse you really love

Gosh that song has always concerned me so much, I got so paranoid about absolutely everything after I first heard it
Anyway you're probably never going to check this but that's okay because I have a lot of things to say about you and a lot of things I'd like you to know, and throwing it out there is at least a step, even if it's somewhat impersonal.
 So I'm listening to Asleep and Dreaming and thinking of you on my lunch break, and I kind of wish you had a webcam because even if you're restless it's nice to know you're cozy and warm in your bed as the deadline for returning to work is fast approaching upon me. I've told you the significance of this song, but I'm not sure how much you understand what it really means to me. I guess I truly fell in love with you that night in Austin, some of my funniest and best memories came from that night. (Doing it next to Klink was the funniest, and in Ryan's bathroom ha, I always think of that when I come over) But I just remember, falling asleep next to you, even though it was uncomfortable and I was slowly being eaten by the couch, was the most fulfilling thing I'd ever experienced. Even though you moved and made your clubhouse, seeing you asleep made my heart pound and finally burst for you. It was so precious and I'm not sure why, just seeing you vulnerable I guess but that isn't the word. Every time I wake up before you, I just like lying over you and watching you and wondering what you're dreaming about, and if you're happier in dreamland or with me. And even though I feel bad about it, I secretly love bothering you and seeing you look up at me with innocent and sleepy eyes that just mean the world to me. Back to the song, I guess I didn't really realize what it meant, how I felt about you. I felt so awkward and self conscious and I guess it's because everything was new and bright and I still feel that way, but those butterflies and insecurity, I love it. I remember the first time I told you I loved you, and I felt like a complete idiot. I haven't thought about that in a while, but ha, in the Walmart parking lot. I think you'd just gotten your hair cut, but maybe that was later. And I told you I loved you and you said "Okay." and I rushed off, so scared of what that, or everything meant. But then you ended up in my bed in the morning and that was so perfect, I was so happy to have someone to come home to. I think that's one of the more beautiful things in life, is having a haven, and to some that means a house that they've spent a lot of money on, and is so sterile that you leave footprints on the carpet when you walk through it. But to me, home is anywhere that you are, or places we've shared memories in. I like to go to the park still, even though it wasn't the most romantic of times, it still makes me warm to think of the beginning. And I think the woods is another of my favorite memories with you-again, not terribly romantic I guess because I was sick but it was wonderful because you were keeping me warm and I just remember the sky being so gorgeous and purple over your shoulder, silhouetted by trees and infinity and everything I wanted, at that moment, I had. I have to get to work, I'm not sure if I'll tell you that this exists-maybe some time when you're down, or in the midst of helping browns. I love you~

 Oh and also I still totally want pictures with you. Just doing whatever, but somehow in my mind it's the only tangible thing I can hold that tells me we've been in the same place, at the same time, and it would just make me tremendously happy to have something to smile about on those nights

 Edit; I don't remember your real name. It must be something scandalous, like Señor Shadows -That line is the most hilarious thing ever. Oh Stephin, how are you so good at everything, especially capturing my heart

Dearest David,

 Goddamn I love you so much, how do I explain? I don't write any more, I'm not sure I have the words or could find them even if I did. I guess stream of consciousness is the way to go.

  The only way I really know how to show you is in the small things, and I also can't handle the stress of planning the larger things and then having to constantly one up myself because I only have so much. There are a lot of things I can't handle, I guess, but I don't have to think about those things with you and that is wonderful. I don't have my problems when I'm with you, everything is easy and fantastic and sometimes I feel like we mesh together so perfectly that it can't be an accident. I'm not sure I believe in fate, or anything like that, but I believe in you and that I think is close enough. And for some reason I'm about to cry as I'm typing this and it's a good thing and oh who am I kidding, it's a whirlwind of all kinds of things and I can't tell you why exactly because I really don't know but I just feel like my emotional range is so much larger with you. I don't know if that makes sense. I feel like I'm happier than I'm truly capable of being. And it's a new heartbreak every day I'm away from you, which is most days, true. But I really want to change that. I do, I do. I want to be close to you and give you a real try because you deserve it and honestly some of it is being selfish because I do want to be happy, and I don't want to have to be lonely sleeping with Mr. Bat every day. I won't pretend it's completely noble, by any means. I don't really know if it would make you happier-I hope to nothing that it would. I want to be the thing that, well, completes you. And I don't mean that to be SUPER INTENSE but gosh it's like...okay I read this in a book once. Like you're syrup, flowing over a pocketed surface and filling all the pores, making it even and perfect. Does that make sense? You level me out, you're the weight I need at the other end of the lever. You're, well, everything I need right now. And I can't tell you if that will stay the same forever, because people change and forever is a long time. But I don't think I'd mind being with you, whoever you turn out to be, because I will never see you as anything other than beautiful.
  And I don't want this to be strange but I am very happy having learned to crochet, because I love the things women used to be able to do. I like the traditional housewife, aside from the stay at home part, because I'd die. And it's not like I'm trying to prove myself as capable of being seen as that sort of figure, but the things women used to do, it was to take care of the people they loved, and I want to be able to do that for you in some way, at some point, in some lifetime. I want to cook you dinner and make you scarves and darn your socks and all sorts of stupid things to maybe make you happy and know that I love you enough to touch something covered in your smelly feet juice, or that I want you to be warm and I can't be there so I want to make something so that I can, in some way. Anyway this is turning stupid and I'm quite tired so I believe I'm going to stop, just know that I love you, and that I'm in love with you-passionately, but not madly, for that sort of love burns itself out entirely too quickly and so it runs as a steady current that will last.
  And lastly I know I haven't been good to you, or for you for that matter, because the two go hand in hand. And I can't really explain why I am so good at sabotaging myself. And I haven't really been giving all that I am, because that is a long and terrifying process that I've never really attempted before. I'm trying to learn and practice, and I am more than ready-so let me know.

Currently No Strings Attached By *NSyNC see related

1.What is their name?
Josh


2.What pet name do you like to call them?
His name is Nerdatron, but I never actually call him that. :)


3.How long have you been together?
3 months or something



4.How did you meet?
He rode my bus 5 years ago


5.What do you like the most about them?
He's sweet



6.What do you like the least about them?
Nothing!


7.What is the best thing they have ever done for you?
When I was having a fit, he came to my house in the middle of the night, and drove me around town looking for animals.

8.Have they met your parents yet?
Yeah

9.What would your kids look like if you had kids?
Uh?


10.What is the worst argument you have had?
It was like 4 years ago. It doesn't matter.


11. Do you still kiss a lot?
Yes


12.Who asked who out?
He asked me if we were dating. Ha.


13. Do you think you will get married?
Ew, I don't think that far ahead.


14Can you see yourself growing old with them?
Above.


15What is the one thing you would like to change about them?
Nothing!


16.What do you think they would like to change about you?..
Make me happier with myself



17.What is the first gift they ever bought you?
Azumanga Daioh books 3 and 4 a few years ago :D


18. Do you have a favorite song together?
We have pretty different tastes in music


19.Which famous person do you think they look like the most?
Nobody


20.Would you say the two of you are a good match?
Sure :D

 So I went to A-Kon (an anime convention in Dallas) this weekend. It was amazing, but I'm so tired. I can't begin to imagine how many calories I burnt off...
 (29 story hotel, escalators turned off so you have to climb them like stairs, multiple skypasses to get lost in...I'm sure I walked 20 miles over 2 days)
 I went to my first rave, and it was pretty great. I started dancing with this guy, only to find out that he actually lives in my town. Weird :0